I have learned that I had forgot, what I had learned all that time. How it felt to think positive, and not be ashamed of it. How it felt to vocalize my pleasure in the warmth of the setting sun, and say it with confidence. I learned how I used to view women; the pride I had behind every act of chivalry. How an unwavering dorkiness allowed a child to identify with me. How being scared wasn’t an acceptable way of life. How honesty, and transparency were crucial key factors in one’s ability to speak on something openly and loud.
How things in life don’t ever have to be accepted for what they are, that we have the power within our own minds to change everything. I learned we can forge our own directions, and that by giving faith and encouragement to others we truly see the light in the world where so many people see darkness. I learned that I can see the darkness, and I know what lives in it; but I also learned that I have the power to face it, conquer it, and carry on forever until the end of time, until my legs give out; which is never, I’d rather die. I learned that I will never quit. I learned that I have been not only pushed to and past the brinks of insanity, true undisclosed undeniable ludicrous insanity, but; yet I lived there and dwelled within its silos for some time. I also learned that I can come back, find my own way, refuse to stay broken.
I learned that by openly sharing in love and kindness with everyone and everything, you have nothing to be ashamed about. That by being forward in our desire to serve one another in the most positive way possible, we just naturally become great people. I learned that I love to feel excited for my friends and family. I learned that I love to encourage and convince others they are way better than what they believe. I learned that we all ARE much better than we all believe. We all have something positive to contribute to this world, this place that by circumstance is wrecked with bullshit, but that we, when we live our lives openly, honestly, freely, and lovingly we don’t only better ourselves, but we better our entire mankind.
That success is not defined by anyone other than our own selves and that conformity is just societies way of being fearful and negative towards your desire to grow in your service and ambition. That true love, peace, positivity, and selflessness go such a long way in making a lasting impact.
I learned that I, and everyone else I know will go someday, really learned that we all will go someday. Our physical bodies, literally remnants of mud and dust. Our warm soft selves will not only be stiff, cold, and hollow, but that they will truly no longer exist. Our personalities, our laughs, our cries, and dreams, our desires; they will all be gone and broken down and the bodies with which we hold one another close together with will be vanished into thin air.
I also learned that even though we are not here, we are here. That the feelings and intuitions we get are not just thoughts processed in our brains, but that they are the actual voices of those around us. The dead, yet the living; constantly guarding us with their ghostly swirl; talking to us, screaming at us, helping us avoid terrible obstacles in every way. Energy cannot be destroyed, only displaced, and we are energy. I learned to listen to them.
I learned that I lost all of these things a long time ago. That I became dark once I became alone. That the evil which lurks around us constantly can easily seduce me, and I lose track of who I am, that I lost track of who I was, that I lost track of the person I wanted and still want to be.
I learned I can still be that person. I learned Jon was a beacon for me. He was my source of positivity. When things got rough he was always there, positive, smiling, one-hundred percent of the time. No one has a heart that was as big as Jon’s; not as big and unique anyways, and that was always the difference. He always had everyone else on his mind. No one was ever as happy as Jon was to see you do something good, it was almost embarrassing for whomever he was complimenting and he was always complimenting! He had all the love, and happiness to possibly give anyone; hell that was our motto, that was HIS motto. The parties he threw, the women he dated, the company that he held, everyone always knew and felt that Jon was a gentleman and a great host to many. I learned, from Jon, that I should strive to be like that, and so for a time you might say I was.
I learned I want to be kind, I want to be strong, I want to protect, I want to be chivalrous and dedicated, I want to do the right thing (be the sure shot)-Jon would get that, I just want to do what’s right, always.
I learned that my best friend is always there, always with me, and I mean that. When I remember Jon, I always want it to feel good, and I want other people to get that. Like a warm wave and rush of joy vs. sad. Jon wanted nothing more than to just bring light to this world, but sometimes fucked up shit happens. That’s life, that’s this life, this one and only life that we may only get.
I learned that I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks about me.
I want to love you.
I want to be there for you.
I want to live for you, and if need be
I want to die for you.
I forgot all of this when I lost my best friend, and so to anyone whom I may have hurt, or not treated as well as I should have, or not done all that I could have… I have learned to apologize again, and so for that;
I learned that I am sorry.
I wish it didn’t take me losing Jon to realize these fault of mines, but it did.
I learned that I need to get better, at everything, and with everyone in all of my life.
I owe it to you.
I owe it to him.
He was more than just a best friend to me, he was different than a brother. He was the better part of me, the good that I had in me, the great that I strived to be like every single day.
He was the voice to always say, “You’ve got this”.
And so a year after, on this day that my best friend has died,
I have learned that I had forgot, what I had learned all that time.
To Jon
J Lizza Boy
J City
Crixus
“The Guy In the Wheel Chair Beat Up Hora.”
10:54; 24 hours and counting
Stay Lethal My Friends,
Joe Malone